Not My Life

Blog NO. - 10

Date - 17 Sep 2017

Views of an Indian couple in USA


Do Indians living in America want to go back to India?


Gauri Dani, Software Engineer at Philips- USA (2017-present)


I can’t say for all Indians living in USA, however I can speak for my husband and myself. Both of us want to go back to India. This is a take from my personal experience. We both had come for Masters in USA to gain in depth knowledge in Computer Science. Computer Science evolved in USA and is at its peak here.


However, life is not just related to your working profession. The madness for excellence in a field goes down when one sees the realities of life. As a student who takes heavy loans life is not luxurious and its at that time one sees what its like to live in poverty.


Poverty might seem an extreme word, but when you are spending huge amount of money its affects your entire family. When its payback time after getting a job, it takes 4–5 years to financially settle and build on savings. Moreover the work here is contract on savings


Moreover the work here is contract on will, where you can be terminated at anytime. Your life is heavily dependent on money in USA. If you don't make it to VP level, you may be retired in your 50 s . Getting a job thereafter may be difficult ,as mid aged people aren't welcome.


Moreover there is no domestic help here and sharing domestic chores with family can be killing.Raising children from birth to 7years is impossible without mother quitting her job or parents coming over from India full time.


As far as going back is concerned, I would like to highlight its effect on the family life. In our family, our grandfathers and great grandfathers built a house big enough for their next generations. They had laid foundation of basic security for his next generations, where their children don’t have to struggle to build house, and their parents can rest in the same house.


Their children can study and work on things which would make lives of their next generation better. This is a sustainable cycle for generations, and everyone is taken care off - elderly, middle aged and children.


Now when we go to USA and start a new life, we buy a house which would be extremely expensive and is a commitment for 15–20 years. Our parents can’t move to USA so they are left for themselves in old age (leaving the extended family/home, visa restrictions, expensive healthcare and no one to take care for them).


Our children wouldn’t be connected to their family (as we can afford to go to India only once in 1–2 years). An upbringing without family ties would make them individualistic and they would accept that they have to do everything for themselves with no one to trust/take care (Not even their parents).


Most likely they would move out of the house and settle somewhere else and end up in same cycle as us. Moreover, the upbringing of our children would be affected because we would not be able to spend time with them as we would be busy earning money for their education, college, and they would be left with some stranger throughout their childhood.


This process is neither helping our parents, nor our children and us. I have broken up the three generations of my family and have started an unsustainable cycle of life where it affects all 3 generations of my family.


No amount of money can restore this, be it USD or INR. This is a collective loss of our society today, where parents are staying in old age homes, children in day care and we in office. We realized that its our time to return to preserve our generations and family.






I met Jindagi an year back, in my clinic asking me to do a favour. I said, what kind of favour.. She said, she wants a second child and her husband says no.One is enough.


I am very intimate and involved deeply with my patients. So many times I have cried for their misery. Often I have prayed for their wellbeing. I treated Jindagi for primary infertility 10 years back and had a baby boy 9 years old. She was full of life, always excited, bubbling with enthusiasm and pragmatic and passionate.


I requested to bring her husband to forward her desire. Her husband never came. One day I had a shock of my life. A known acquaintance called me to say , Jindagi is no more. I asked for the reason and he kept mum.


I remembered, she left my clinic for the last time, telling me with tears in her eyes, Sir, why even after all my sacrifice , nobody is considering Me? I think this is not my life ......




Well, if we are truthful to our selves, many of us will agree to the fact that this is not my life, I wanted to live.


Between the Birth and Death , there is a big C. C is for challenge, c is for choice and c is for change. Let us take an example of Swity , married to school friend , love of life , everyday being challenged by conservative in-law. She tried a lot to change, but couldn't win . Her husband remain a mute spectator, couldn't convince parents and one day Swity confessed to her fate. She was one of my patients. So the story between B and D is choice, challenge, change and finally conviction.


We all are dreamy. We have envisaged a life like a multi color painting of creative excellence. We love to desire a fountain of happiness, ocean of love and skyful of friends and joy of eternal peace.Is it possible?


No. Never. When we were children, we had not best of the schools , best of teachers , best of friends, best of clothes and best of playing zone. For parents and residence , we have no choice.


Even an arranged marriage or love marriage, never brought a cent percent matching partner. Even a dream family is not completed. Desire for child has brought barrenness and desire for only son is has brought barrenness and desire for only son is replaced by daughters.


The pleasant wish to settle abroad is truncated by gov't. Job. And dream of roaring private practice is replaced by mediocre practice. The dream house is farthest and you still live in that inauspicious house , you don't like.


The children were not of choice, only by chance. But you try to challenge and try to change , but with utter disappointment. They either study not well or didn't get admmission in the field of your choice. And lately they bulldozed your dream to find out a life partner from your caste and known relation.




You started your journey from birth. Your all efforts to make your life of your dream , didn't materialized. Your all efforts to choice, to challenge and to change didn't succeed. What was left for you was mere desperation. D for desperation, and D for death!




Let your life be full of fragrances with your attitude to change the choices and damn the difficulties and gracefully accept the destiny.


It is better to be winner in adverse circumstances than be a loser in a all win game. Let us accept realities. The next best choice of imagination may not be a guaranty of happiness. If you accept the events of life as they unfold with gratitude to almighty God, I believe , nobody is happier than you. Accept the destiny and realities of life. You have no right to end a God's biggest gift - your life.


Life is worth living , if you desire so.......

Dr Ajay Shah


Date - 17 Sep 2017